


The Life You Deserve

by missamericachavez



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Cheating, F/M, Multi, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-13 05:36:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16886616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missamericachavez/pseuds/missamericachavez
Summary: Self-loathing Dean left you worried he wasn’t good enough. Four years later you’re sure that you’re finally over him. Turns out maybe you’re not.





	1. Chapter 1

Your doorbell rings as you rush down the hallway towards the door. This had better be good. You were just about to join your fiance in the shower when your doorbell rang. You slipped on a pair of shorts and a top and walked downstairs to the door. It had to be your neighbor complaining about the stupid trash bins again. Seriously, Susan, it’s not that big of a deal, chill out! When you pulled open the front door, Dean was the last person you expected to see standing on your front porch. 

“Hey sweetheart,” he says. He looks very nervous and he should be judging by the scowl on your face. You hadn’t seen Dean since he left you all those years ago, breaking your heart.

“What the hell are you doing here?” you ask trying to sound as calm as you can. Dean had completely broken your heart and now he had the nerve to show up at your door.

“I-uh, well Sam and I need your help. There’s a hunt a town over and we could really use you.” His scratches the back of his neck and he looks down at the ground avoiding eye contact. You couldn’t believe him. He fucking left you and now he wants a favor?! No apology, nope, he wants your fucking help! 

“No,” you spit at him angrily before closing the door in his face. You slump down back against the door and try to pull yourself together. Your hands are shaking and the tears begin to surface. After all these years, how dare he?

You always thought you’d never see him again. He’d fade away in your memory as the one that got away and broke your heart but, ultimately led you to the man you’d spend the rest of your life with. You’d thought if you ever saw him again, especially now that you were over it, it wouldn’t hurt as much as it does right now. Years ago when he’d first left, before you had met Ryan, you had hoped that if you found him again he’d beg for your forgiveness. He’d tell you he loves you and beg you to come back to him. But he’s not doing any of that right now. No, instead he’s asking for a favor breaking your heart all over again. Dean’s fist connects with the door making you jump and wipe your eyes.

“Baby, I thought you were gonna get that,” your fiance, Ryan, yells down the stairs.

“Yeah, I got it gimme a sec,” you tell him fixing your face and throwing the door open again. “You need to leave. Now!”

“Please, baby, hear me out,” he says holding his hands out in front of him hoping to calm you down.

“Don’t call me baby.”

“Ok, ok, sorry. Listen, we need your help. Sam and I have been on this case for about two weeks and we’ve gotten nowhere and people just keep dyin’. Look, ba-I mean, sweetheart,” he says making you cringe. S Sweetheart’s just as bad, but you don’t correct him this time, deciding to just let him get it all out before just telling him to fuck off and closing the door again.  “You’ve always been better at research than Sam and I. We can’t find anything and you’re our only hope. Please, darling, just take a look for me. I’ll give you what we have and just see if maybe we missed something, ya know, fresh eyes. Baby, I-we need you, please.”

“Fine,” you sigh, glaring at him. He always knew how to get you with “people dying” and “you’re the best”. Of course, you’d say yes. “Bring me your notes I’ll look ‘em over and tell you what I find but that’s it. That’s all the help I can offer y-”

“Babe, who’s at the door?” Ryan asks stepping off of the last step. He’s in a pair of sweats, no shirt, using a towel to dry his wet hair. He drops the towel by the door before standing behind you to see who’s there. “Oh, hi, I’m Ryan and you are?”

“Dean,” he says, his jaw clenching.

“Uh, Dean’s a-um an old friend.” you stutter. “Dean this is my fiance. Baby, Dean uh, came to ask me a favor. So, Dean, just bring me those files and I’ll have a look for you.”

“Yeah, sure thing. I gotta go. Hey man, it was nice meeting you,” he says to your fiance then to you, “it was nice seeing you again. I’ll bring you those files tomorrow.” Closing the door, you sigh before turning around to face Ryan.

“So, I already showered but I wouldn’t mind taking another if you’ll join me this time,” he says giving you a sly smile.

“Mmm, a shower sounds nice. Gimme a sec and I promise this time I’ll be there.” You kiss his lips and he winks at you as he runs up to the bathroom. You watch him go up the stairs, your hands shaking at your sides. It only took Dean 10 minutes to come and turn your life upside down.

* * *

Dean walked down your driveway back to his car. He was shaking like a leaf. You were so goddamn beautiful, just like you’d always been, but today you just had this glow. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but you were different. Maybe it had just been that he hadn’t seen you in so long; his memories just hadn’t done you justice, but fuck you looked good. He’d been just about ready to tell you how he felt when he saw it. The shiny silver rock on your left hand and his heart sank.

He’d come just to see you, finally admit how much he loved you, and how leaving was the biggest mistake of his life. But he was too late, you moved on. He fucked up and he knew it. This was all his fault. Everything he told you about the case was true, but he wasn’t there for your help. He was there for you, but you had moved on.

Dean drove back to the motel where Sam was. The more he thought about you and how beautiful you look the more he realized what that something different was. You were happy. This guy Ryan, he made you happy and Dean showed up to ruin that happiness. He couldn’t tell you how he felt and ruin your life like that. He couldn’t drag you back into this shit show when you were obviously so much better off without him. He loved you and couldn’t bear to hurt you more than he already had, yet he still felt drawn to you. At every turn, every decision he ever made, it always led him right back to you. That’s why he had decided to do something about it, but he was too late.

When Dean asked for your help, he could see that small glimmer in your eye. He could tell you missed this. You missed hunting with him; one more hunt with you wouldn’t hurt anything. Maybe it might even help things; maybe you could both finally get the closure you needed. Maybe he could do this without hurting you and your relationship and you could both move on. He knew it was foolish to think that way since there’s no way he could move on from you. You were it for him; he would never stop loving you. No matter how many women he slept with, he would never fill the hole you left behind. But maybe he wouldn’t have to. Maybe things could be different this time. Maybe you two could be friends after this. Maybe, maybe, maybe… Dean kept thinking of all the maybes until he reached the motel, your smiling face at the forefront of his mind.


	2. Chapter 2

That night before you fall asleep you text Dean. He can’t come to the house anymore. You can’t have a repeat of the stuttering mess you became when stuck between the two men that mean the most to you. You turn over to look at Ryan, and make sure he’s truly asleep before opening Deans contact information.

 _Don’t come to the house tomorrow maybe we could meet somewhere. There’s a gas station not too far let’s meet there say 12?_ You reread the text, two times finger hovering over the send button. When you get the nerve, you press send and go to set your phone back on your bedside table when it begins vibrating in your hand, startling you. You curse under your breath, of course, the bastard would be awake and waiting by his god damn phone like a stupid school girl. You carefully crawl out of bed closing the bedroom door you go to the downstairs bathroom closing that door behind you too before you answer your phone.

“Hello,” you whisper into the phone.

“Hey, sweetheart.” God, he has to stop doing that.

“Dean, what the hell? It’s like 2 in the morning.”

“You were the one that texted me.” He chuckles. “Gas station, really? You must really not wanna see me, huh?”

“Well could you blame me?” you say harshly and the line is quiet for a minute or so before you speak again. “Sorry, that was-”

“No, I deserved that,” he sighs into the phone. “Look maybe we could grab a coffee or something and talk things out.”

“Dean, I don’t want to talk about what happened between us.”

“Ok, that’s fair, I get it. But can we still have coffee and maybe discuss the case,” he says hopefully. “Please, sweetheart, I won’t even judge when you get that lame frappuccino drink you used to like so much.”

You laugh. Coffee couldn’t hurt and it’s just for the case, nothing else.  “Fine, coffee, but that’s all.”

“Promise. Meet you at 12?”

“See you,” you say bidding him good night and ending the call. It was just coffee so why do you have those stupid butterflies in your tummy?

* * *

__The vamp had been fast; you didn’t see him coming so you couldn’t stop him from throwing Dean as hard as he could into the wall._  You’d thought you had gotten them all. You, Sam and Dean, staked out this place for a week. You’d counted, double counted and tripled counted. You knew how many vamps there were so then where the fuck had this one come from?_

__You swing your machete, the vamps head flying across the room and hitting the floor with a soft thud. You run across the room to Dean, falling to the floor next to his limp body._  Tears cloud your vision when you see him.  _His eyes are shut, his mouth slightly open, there’s a cut on his forehead, and he’s not moving. You start to panic, forgetting everything you learned from those stupid CPR classes.__

_“Dean,” you say shaking his shoulder. “Dean!” you say louder when he doesn’t move. _You move your hand to his head, your fingers tentatively touching the blood there, your heart racing in your chest._  “Sam!” you scream hoping he’ll follow the sound of your voice.  
_

_“Fuck, kid. Are you o-” Sam says before he sees his brother laying on the floor his head cradled in your lap.  
_

_“Sam, he’s not moving I-I can’t get him up. Sam, h-he,” you sob tears streaming down your face. “I didn’t see him Sam. I’m so sorry.”  
_

_“It’s ok. It’s ok. He’s breathing he’s gonna be fine.” Sam says trying to calm you. “Let’s get him back to the car and figure out what to do from there it’s gonna be ok. I promise.”  
_

_“Ok,” you nod trying to get yourself together. You don’t know what your problem is. Dean has gotten hurt on plenty of hunts and you’ve never reacted like this before. _You knew he was a fighter, he’ll pull through he always does._  He’s died like a million times and he’s come out of it perfectly fine. So why does your heart literally feel like it’s tearing apart in your chest right now?  _You and Dean had been sleeping together for a couple months, but that’s absolutely no excuse for the way you’re feeling right now._    
_

__Dean grunts, his hands touching his forehead and finding the blood there._   “Fuck what happened?” he asks looking up at you. He sits up trying not to go too fast and you wrap your arms around his torso and bury your face in his neck. “What’d I miss?”_

_“Don’t you ever do that to me again do you understand me?”  
_

_“What get my ass handed to me by a vamp? I’ll try my best but don’t know if I can keep that promise,” he says wrapping his arms around you pulling him closer to his chest. Sam clears his throat and the two of you let go of each other and stand your face flushing when you look at Sam.  
_

_“Ok, you turn ready to go before more vamps show up and catch us all off guard?”  
_

_You nod and follow Dean and Sam out of the barn and to the Impala. It takes you a week to realize that the feeling in your chest, the reason you’d been so terrified, was because you didn’t want to lose him. You loved him and the thought of losing him tore you to pieces. That feeling scared you more than any monster ever could.  
_

* * *

You waited inside the tiny little coffee shop, giant mug sitting in front of you. Your fingers tap against the table as you wait for Dean. When he walks in, your heart stops. God, he’s always had that effect on you. When he spots you, his face lights up and he makes his way over toward you. He sits in the spot across from you where there’s a steaming hot cup of black coffee waiting for him. How he manages to choke it down like that you’ll never know, but it’s always been his favorite.

“Hey, sweetheart.” One more time and you’re gonna kill him.

“Hi Dean,” you say trying to keep that stupid smile off your face, the butterflies in your stomach resurfacing.  “Bring the file?”

“Right here,” he says setting it on the table and sliding it over to you.

“Ok, tell me what you know,” you say as you flip through the papers. Dean tells you about the case and you’re just as stumped as he is; you promise to take it home to look it over again, maybe go through some of your mythology books you have hidden in the back of your closet. Somehow Dean convinces you not to leave after the case has been discussed, somehow he gets you talking about life and what he’s been up to since you both parted ways.

You tell him about Ryan and how happy you are and you almost manage to convince yourself this time.  He tells you how happy he is for you, trying to keep his jaw from clenching. Amazingly, you both manage to talk for hours with out it turning into a fight over what happened. In fact, neither of you mention that day at all and it’s almost like old times. Back before anything had even happened between the two of you. Your phone starts ringing, interrupting your conversation. You look down at the screen, seeing Ryan’s face. Frowning a little you, look up at Dean.

“I gotta take this,” you say swiping across the screen to answer the call. “Hello.”

 _“Hey, baby, where are you?”_  Ryan asks sounding worried.

“Uh grabbing coffee with a friend. What’s wrong?”

 _“Shit, you forgot didn’t you?”_  he sighs and you roll your eyes even though he can’t see you.  _“The cake tasting is today.”_

“Damn it, I’m sorry. I’m on my way now,” you say hanging up the phone.

“Everything ok?” Dean asks.

“Yeah everything’s fine I just forgot Ryan and I had an appointment for a fucking cake tasting. So I gotta go.” You stand up grabbing your coat and purse.

“Ok, uh so I’ll call you later then. To check on the case?” he asks hopefully.

“How ‘bout I call you when I find something?”

“Yeah, ok, smart. This is why I called you for help you always know what to do.”

You laugh at his lame joke and hug him goodbye. He holds on a lot longer than he should, his nose buried in your hair  “I’ll call you Dean.”

“Can’t wait,” he says a giant smile on his face as he watches you go.


	3. Chapter 3

_Dean always had this way of making you feel on top of the world. He always filled you with happiness whenever he was around you. You loved him and the relationship the two of you had. He didn’t have to tell you he loved you because you just knew. You could feel it in the way he held you at night. The way he kissed you. The way he touched you caressing your cheek, your hips, your breasts. He didn’t have to say it for you to know it’s true. At least that’s what you kept telling yourself. When he left you, it was hard to keep that hope in your heart._

_“He’ll come back,” you said over and over like a prayer. _But he wouldn’t, he was gone and that realization broke you._  “What did I do wrong?”  
_

* * *

_The moment Dean realized he loved you was very much like how you did. _Except instead of bringing the two of you closer, for Dean, it made him realize how truly easy it could have been to lose you._  It made him realize that this life doesn’t get happy endings. That you deserve a life with all of those happy endings and he couldn’t give you that. He’d been stupid to think he could be happy._

_Dean called you a seventh time and again it rang and rang until it went to voicemail. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Dean cursed hanging up the phone and trying not to throw it across the room. Where the fuck were you? _He hadn’t seen you since about lunch time, it was now almost midnight and Dean was freaking the fuck out._  It wasn’t like you to just disappear like this.  _If anything happened to you, he’d never be able to forgive himself.__

_“I’m sure she’s fine, Dean,” Sam says trying to calm him down. The truth was he was starting to worry too. He’d called every hospital in the area and no one matching your description had been brought into the hospital in the past 12 hours. _He’d checked security cameras, surrounding motels for your alias’ and the credit cards he knew you had on you, and your phone._  Nothing has come up since you walked out the door to go pick up lunch.  
_

_“You can’t know that, Sam. Something’s wrong I can feel it.” Dean says grabbing his gun and his jacket.  
_

_“Where the hell are you going?” Sam shouts at him.  
_

_“To go find her!”  
_

_“You got no clue where to look how are you gonna do that?”  
_

_“I don’t know!” Dean yells then sighs running his hand down his face. “I don’t know,” he says softly. “But I can’t just sit here and do n-” _Dean stops, his ringtone blasting in his pocket._  He pulls his phone out and looks at the screen seeing your face and he swipes to answer.  
_

* * *

__You groan, your head pounding. You try to cradle your skull in your hands, but your arms aren’t moving because they’re tied behind you to the chair you’re sitting in. You take in your surrounding; the room you’re in is small and dark. There’s broken furniture littering the floors and a smashed window to your right. You see the highway outside, barely visible in the pitch black night._  There’s an entryway to your left and you know exactly where you are. You remember commenting on the crappy abandoned house on the way into town._

_“Ten bucks says that house is the monster’s lair,” you had said pointing out the window from the back seat of the Impala.  
_

_“No way too easy,” Dean said smiling at you through the rearview mirror. “Fifty says you’re wrong. This sicko sounds like a “nice house dungeon in my basement” kinda guy.”  
_

_“Yeah right! You’re on!” you looked at Sam in the passenger seat. “You want in on this?”  
_

_“No way don’t involve me in this,” Sam said looking back down at his phone.  
_

Bastard owes me fifty bucks, _you think to yourself. You pull at the ropes behind your back trying to untie them before the asshole that grabbed you comes back._

_You’ve almost got the knot out when you hear footsteps. _You try working faster, maybe you can surprise them; hide behind the door and get one good hit in before running as fast as you can._ When you see the shine across the room in front of you, you breathe a sigh of relief.  _New plan: grab your blade, stab the dick, and run like hell, but maybe find your phone first. You’re too late when they come through the entryway. He gives you a sickening grin.__

_“Well sleeping beauty nice of you to finally join us,” he says coming closer. “Now we can finally get this show on the road!”  
_

_“Who the hell are you?” you spit.  
_

_“My name is Valac,” he says flashing his black eyes like you’re supposed to know exactly who he is.  
_

_“Uh, is that name supposed to mean something to me?” you sass. “Oh no, the mighty Valac is here! Oh gosh, I’m so scared,” you say sarcastically. “Please, I’ve killed bigger demons than you with my eyes closed.”  
_

_“Oh my name may not mean much to you but to your boyfriend, it’s about to mean so much more,” _he’ll begin going into his monologue, you’re sure._   “You see your boyfriend took someone important from me now I’m gonna return the favor.”_

_“Yawn. You wanna know how many times I’ve been threatened by demons, Valac? It always ends the same for them. A blade through the chest. You’re just another on my shit list.” _You’re cocky, yes, but you can’t let him know you’re afraid. That’s how shit goes from bad to worse._    
_

_“Well let’s see if you’re still singing that same tune after a couple hours with me. You just better hope Dean finds you in time before you bleed out. Dean to the rescue!” he says pulling a blade from his pocket and flipping it around in his hand menacingly.  
_

__“Oh, Valac,” you laugh harshly, “haven’t you been paying attention?” You’ve got the rope open, you just need a good grip on the chair. You speak again once you’ve got it._   “I don’t need Dean to save me,” you tell him smashing the chair over his head. He falls to the ground and you run across the room to the angel blade. Grabbing off of the dusty floor you hide it inside your sleeve as you’re thrown against the wall behind you. You feel a tight grip around your neck making it hard to breathe.  
_

_“Silly girl, where do you think you’re going?” _he says, his hand out in front of him holding you against the wall._  He moves closer, amateur, knife held out in front of him.  _Before you can make your move, he plunges the knife into your stomach and your eyes go wide, the pain unbearable. Before panic can take over, you quickly shove your blade between his ribs._    
_

_“Just another one on the list,” you snarl watching the light flicker and fade. He slumps to the floor making you fall too. _You touch your tummy, there’s definitely blood. Yep, he totally stabbed you, fuck. Your eyes are getting heavy when you hear it._  There’s a phone vibrating somewhere. If you can find it you can call Dean and tell him where you are.  _You search the body beside you until you finally find it, your god damn phone._  It’s gone to voicemail and you try to get your shaking hands to still. You open the phone using your bloody fingers and find Deans number pressing call. He answers on the second ring and you sigh with relief.  
_

_“Sweetheart?” he asks.  
_

_“Hey, Dean.”  
_

_The happy sigh that passes between his lips makes you smile despite everything. “Where are you?”_

_“At the abandoned house we passed on the way in. You owe me fifty bucks!”  
_

_He laughs, “Yeah I guess I do. We’re on our way.”_

_“Ok, and Dean?”  
_

_“Yeah, baby?”  
_

_“Hurry up, I’m kinda bleeding-out here.”  
_

_“Fuck, we’ll be there as soon as we can hold on,” he says hanging up the phone quickly. That’s the last thing you remem_ _ber before passing out._

* * *

__When you come to, it takes a second for your eyes to adjust._  You turn your head to see Dean sitting in the chair beside the bed and Cas standing over you.  _You’re parched and you try to say so, but Dean already knows what you need. He hands you an opened bottle of water and you sit up carefully to drink it. Lifting your shirt, you notice the stab wound has been healed of course.__

_“Thanks, Cas,” you say smiling up at him. He checks you over one more time before leaving you and Dean alone. _Dean hasn’t said anything since you woke up, but you can hear him thinking._    
_

_“Dean, say something or knock it off.”  
_

__“Fine. I’m sorry,” he says softly, making you roll your eyes._    
_

_“This wasn’t your fault, Dean.”  
_

__“Yes, it was. You know it was. I sent you to get food and because of me you were alone.”_ _

_“Dean, sto-,”_

_“No!” he yells interrupting you. “No, this was a mistake.”  
_

_“What? Dean, what are you talking about?”  
_

_“This. Us, it’s a mistake.” _He sighs, running his hands through his hair._   “I can’t do this anymore,” he says walking towards the door.  _You jump from the bed, running to the door and blocking his path._   “Move.”_

_“No, talk to me, please,” _you beg, tears in your eyes._    
_

_“You almost died today because of me if Cas hadn’t come I-,” _he stops, taking a deep breath._  “We can’t do this anymore. I’m done.”  
_

_“Dean please.” You see the tears in his eyes and it breaks your heart. You know Dean loves you he just has a shit way of showing it sometimes. You wrap your arms around his neck and pull him to you. _He doesn’t move for a while, but when he wraps his arms around your waist you breathe a little easier. He holds you for minutes, maybe hours, you don’t know you lose track of time._   _You stroke his hair and let him cry against you, the tears hitting your shoulder._  
_

__He lifts you off of the ground and you wrap your legs around his waist as he walks you back over to the bed._  He falls to the mattress with you still holding on. He lays you both on your side still not letting go of you.  _His lips press softly against your shoulder, up your neck, across your jaw, and to your mouth._   _When his lips graze yours, it’s hesitant then more insistent. His tongue invades your mouth like he’s trying to map it, remember it, save it for later while his hands do the same to your body.__

__Looking back, it felt like a goodbye, but in the moment you refused to believe it. He removes your clothes slowly, his mouth only leaving yours to pull your shirt over your head._  When he pushes into you, he stops to look down at you again like he’s trying to savor the moment. You wipe the tears from his face and pull his lips back down to yours.  _When you cum, it’s emotional and rare and he holds you tight as he cums inside you. His face is buried in your shoulder, the tears spill over and down your cheeks._  He pulls you closer to his chest as you cry yourself to sleep that night._

__When you wake the next morning, the bed beside you is empty and there’s a note on the pillow. Coward._ _

I’m sorry. I know it’s not what you want. But I just can’t anymore. This is for the best and one day I hope you’ll see that. Goodbye.

Dean

__Motherfucking_  coward._


	4. Chapter 4

The day after meeting Dean at the cafe, you start going through your old books. When you think you’ve found something you give Dean a call.

 _“Hey, sweetheart.”_  You sigh.

“Hey, Dean, I found something. I’m actually surprised you didn’t see it before. Pretty sure it’s the sheriff. He’s always there and it just makes sense. So I went back and looked at old photos from the town about 50 years ago and found that same sheriff just with a different name working as a college professor down the road from where the murders started. All that seems pretty fishy to me.”

_“So what do you think he is? Can’t be a vamp. No bite marks and the way they were killed just doesn’t make sense.”_

“I think it’s a Phonos. They’re gods of murder and judging by the Greek carved into the victims skin I’m probably right,” you tell him smugly. “The colt should be able to handle him just fine.”

_“I knew you were good but wow. Ya know you could come with us to kill this thing?”_

“Dean, you know I can’t,” you say running your fingers through your hair. “Ryan doesn’t know about monsters he wouldn’t understand.”

 _“Sure you can. You don’t have to tell him where you’re going.”_ You sigh again contemplating it. He’s right, though, you don’t have to tell Ryan. He’s at work right now and won’t be home until 6. You could text him and tell him you’re having dinner with your friend Liz. He would never have to know.

“Fine. Text me the name of the motel and I’ll be there in an hour.”

* * *

When you reach the motel room, you’re shaking again. Why does he have this effect on you? It’s ridiculous. Your hand hovers in a closed fist in front of you. Maybe you should just leave. This is a bad idea. “People are dying.” Dean’s words replay over in your mind and you finally knock on the door. Sam opens the door and he smiles so hard you’re sure his face is gonna split in two.

“Hey, kid. Been a while,” he says wrapping you up in a tight hug.

“Yeah, way too long. I missed you,” you tell him.

“I missed you too. Dean’s in the shower so that’ll give us a chance to talk. How have you been?”

“Great, actually. I’m getting married in less than a month.”

“Wow, that’s great. I’m happy for you,” he says. He waits a moment before asking you what he really wants to know. “Tell me how you’re doing right now?”

You look at him confused. “I’m great, Sam.”

“Kid, how are you? Really?”

You sigh avoiding his eyes. “Sam, I don’t know. Dean just shows up out of the blue for my help. Acts like he didn’t break my heart and I’m just supposed to go with it I guess. But I can’t it’s hard.” Your voice breaks at the end of the sentence. “Why did he come back?”

Sam sighs, “Kid.”

“Sam, why did he come back?”

“I can’t answer that. You’d have to ask him that yourself.” 

“Sa-,” you’re cut off by the bathroom door opening.

“Hey sweetheart,” Dean says and you roll your eyes.

“Hey, you ready to go?” you ask him.

“Yeah just let me get my shoes and we’ll be good to go.”

“Ok,” you say looking between the both of them. “how about you guys fill me in on the plan?”

* * *

The plan was simple. Stake out the sheriff’s station until he leaves for the evening, then follow him home. Sam and Dean will distract the sheriff since he knows who they are. You’ll let yourself in through the back door and shoot him with the Colt. See simple. Not too big of a problem, though, so the three of you decide to implement phase two of the plan a little early. No big deal, except he’s not there either. You all searched his house and nothing. Even crazier, you couldn’t find anything occultly anywhere. Maybe you were wrong, maybe it wasn’t the sheriff. Maybe he was another victim.

Sam and Dean take you back to the motel and the three of you decide to try research again. You had to have missed something. You drive home and see Ryan’s car in the driveway, making you smile. At least you could spend some quality time with your sexy fiance. When you reach the door, you see it’s slightly cracked and immediately go into hunter mode.

You hear Ryan’s voice and you start to panic, he sounds scared.  “Please stop I don’t know where she is. I swear.”

“You’re lying. I can tell,” an unfamiliar voice responds. “I can always tell.”

“Look, I don’t what you want with her, but I’m not gonna tell you where she is. Just take what ever you want and go, but don’t you dare touch her,” 

You back away from the door back down the driveway so you won’t be heard. You call Dean and he answers on the second ring. “Dean, pretty sure I found our guy.”

_“Really? Where?”_

“My house he has Ryan. I have to go in.”

_“Sweetheart no we’re on our way. Just wait for us ok?”_

“Dean, I can’t,” you sigh. “There’s no time I have to help him.”

_“Baby, wa-,”_

You hang up before he has a chance to respond. You pull your gun from your waistband and head in through the front door as quietly as you can. You hide around the corner and peek into your living room. When you see Ryan tied to a chair, your heart clenches in your chest. His head’s hanging low, there’s a cut on his forehead, and the side of his face is swollen.

“Ryan,” you whisper running to him. He lifts his head as you approach him. He smiles before the panic takes over his features again.

“No, baby, you have to go he’s in the next room. He’s crazy and he wants to kill you.”

“Ryan, I’m not going to leave you.”

“Please, I can’t lose you. I won’t watch you die because of me.”

“I’m not leaving you and that’s final.”

“Aww, how sweet?” you hear from behind you and you freeze. You quickly turn around, pointing your gun at the sheriff. You knew it! Dean was right, you are the best. “Where’s your hunter friends, princess?”

“Fuck you,” you say to him with a smile on your face.

He sucks his teeth and tsk’s at you. “That’s not nice.”

“I don’t care. What do you want?”

“I wanna know where agents “Bonham and Jones” are. Then I’m gonna rip the skin off you and your fiance’s bodies.” he replies as he calmly knocks the gun out of your hand across the floor using his powers. “You know that’s not gonna work on me. Tell me where the Winchesters are!”

You shrug nonchalantly. “Don’t know,” you say crossing your arms across your chest, “don’t care.”

“Then I guess you’re of no use to me then,” he says raising his hand to silence you once and for all.

“Kill me now and you’ve got no leverage against them. They won’t come if I’m dead and you know it.”

“Fine, call them. Tell them where you are and your death will be quick.”

“No,” you say sharply.

“Ok,” he says flicking his fingers. Ryan screams behind you. You look back to see blood gushing from a cut across his collar bone. “Call them.”

“No,” you say standing your ground. You flinch as Ryan screams again. This time there’s a long cut straight down his chest.

“Call them!” he yells at you.

“No need. We’re already here.” Dean says from behind the sheriff. He turns around to face Dean and Dean fires a shot from the colt right between his eyes.

“Ryan!” you scream rushing to him. You untie his wrists and pull open his shirt, examining his chest. 

“I’m fine. I’m ok.”

“No, you’re not this is my fault.”

“Hey, baby it’s ok just a few stitches and I’ll be fine but I just need to know,” he pauses trying to find the right way to phrase this. “What the hell was that?  Am I hallucinating? Because I swear that cop just fucking cut me but he was literally on the other side of the room. And did he just glow? Like after Dean? It’s Dean right?” he says pointing to Dean. When Dean nods his head yes Ryan continues. “After Dean shot him in the fucking head he glowed like a god damn Christmas tree. Baby, what the hell is happening?”

“We should talk,” you say as you pull him up from the kitchen chair.

* * *

You give Ryan the talk while you stitch him up in the bathroom. He takes it surprisingly well. He doesn’t pass out or puke, he just asks a butt ton of questions. When you finish stitching him, you bring him back downstairs where Sam and Dean are sitting, waiting for you.

“We burned the body so you’re good should probably put something on that blood stain on the carpet though,” Sam says motioning to the stain.

“Damn it, I liked that carpet,” you say knowing it’s never going to truly be clean and now you’ll have to burn it with the body.

Sam chuckles as he pulls you into a hug. “We gotta get going but how’s he doing? Taking the news well?”

“He’s oddly calm,” you tell Sam as you look up at Ryan.

“Quit talking about me like I’m not here,” he chuckles. Dean hasn’t said anything since you came back down, but he does hug you after Sam. He lets Sam do all the talking. If he says anything besides bye, he might say something he regrets.

“Don’t be a stranger, ok?” Sam tells you and you nod and walk them to the door. 

“Don’t leave town yet?” you ask Sam. “Maybe the four of us could hang out more. We could catch up and you guys could get to know Ryan before we get married.”

“Yeah, you two seem like great guys. Maybe we could talk more about this hunting thing,” Ryan says smiling hopefully.

“Yes, he has so many questions. He’s never gonna shut up… look what you’ve done.”

Sam laughs, “That sounds great. We’ll stick around for a while. Text us when you’re free.” You hug Sam one more time before letting them go, closing the door behind them. Turning around, you meet Ryan’s eyes and pull him into your chest, holding him to you for a few seconds before pulling back to look up at him.

“Don’t you ever do that again ok?”

“I’ll try,” he says squeezing you, his nose nuzzling into your hair.  “You were such a badass back there.”

“Well thank you,” you say blushing.

“I’m serious I don’t think I’ve ever been more attracted to you. Which I thought was like impossible because you’re already the sexiest woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. But back there,” he trails off sucking his bottom lip between his teeth.

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah really,” he murmurs against your lips. “Now I may not be able to do much about this,” He says grabbing your hand and pressing it against the bulge in his pants. “Ya know with my injury and all but I’m sure there’s something we can do.” You smile against his mouth and drag him upstairs to your bedroom. You bite your lip trying not to think of the sad, rejected look on Dean’s face.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beginning is from Dean's pov then it changes back towards the end.

She texted us about a week later about some lame bar her fiancé likes. I say us, no she texted Sam. I guess we’re not quite back at that level yet. The name of the bar even sounded like a douchebags paradise. Fucking “Vertigo”, the hell kinda name is that? I’d hoped when she said "let’s catch up” she meant “let’s say we’ll eventually hang out but then not ever see each other again”. Sadly, she actually wanted to spend time with us, weird.  

I press my foot harder on the gas. The sooner we get there the sooner I can go home and be grumpy there. I glare at the road in front of me hoping it’ll lead me somewhere else. Maybe to an alternate universe where I didn’t fuck up the one good thing I had. Sam makes half assed attempts to get me to talk about my feelings, but he and I both know that’s not gonna happen.  I thought I’d grown a little out of this bullshit, but apparently not.  

I focus on the road and think about her. I want to see her, but I don’t want to see her like this. Happy with her stupid fiancé. I don’t wanna see her beautiful smile aimed not at me, but at that asshat. I don’t wanna see those lips, those perfect plush lips, that I can’t kiss. I don’t wanna sit across from her with her amazing body knowing I’m not allowed to touch. And I sure as fuck don’t wanna watch her be all cutesy with her stupid, probably a douche, fiancé. And knowing her she’s probably well into drink number 4 right now. She’s always been a lightweight; she’s probably drunk off her ass running her hands through his hair, feeling him up just like she used to do with me.

“You get an hour you understand me? 1 hour,” I tell Sam. Honestly if I thought she wouldn’t be sad and make that face I hate, the one that makes my heart clench in my chest, I wouldn’t go. I’d have stayed in that stupid motel room sulking all night. Course I could just not go and not think about her sad face. But just cause I can’t see it don’t mean it won’t happen and I can’t let that happen. Not again.

“Ya know you could just drop me and leave right? You don’t have to stay,” he says gauging my reaction.

“One hour,” I say again ignoring. “I’m leaving with or without you.”

“Whatever,” he replies.  

I throw the car into park and hop out not waiting for Sam to catch up. When I walk in my eyes scan the bar for her and there she is. I see her and my heart stops dead in my chest. She’s always so beautiful. She’s laughing loudly, her head thrown back. Yeah, she’s on drink 4; she’s talking loudly and excitedly about something and she’s never looked more beautiful right now. She always hated her laugh, but damn it’s my favorite thing about her. She turns towards me and my stomach flips. Her face lights up and she stands up from her seat waving us over. She’s gorgeous and there’s fucking butterflies in my stomach what the hell? I never used to be this way. I’ve never felt this way about any woman I’ve ever been with, but with her everything’s different. She turns towards Ryan when he whispers something into her ear making her laugh. I try not to make a face as I walk over. 

“Hey guys,” she says way louder than she needs to. I was right, drink number four; probably to cope with having me and Ryan in a room together. I definitely need to catch up.

“Hey,” Sam says hugging her. Ryan says hello and gives my hand a small shake before moving onto Sam. She wraps me up in a tight hug and I relax in her arms. Fuck, even the smell of her hair has my stomach doing back flips. God, when did I become such a chick? When she pulls away my shoulders sag and I try not to show my disappointment on my face. That didn’t last nearly as long as it should have. She has a seat on Ryan’s lap and offers her vacant seat to Sam. I watch Ryan wrap his arm around her waist and my jaw clenches involuntarily. She starts talking excitedly about her life and what she’s been up to but all I can do is focus on how beautiful she is.

She takes another sip and starts talking to Sam about her job. “It’s nothing special like what Ryan does but it pays the bills.”

“What do you do, Ryan?” I ask waiting for some response like corporate douchebag. Their house is huge, no way this dick also works at a homeless shelter. 

“I’m a firefighter,” he responds. “I like it cause I get to help people but it’s nothing like what you guys do. I can’t believe it you guys are like real life superheroes. How do you guys do it?” Is he fucking serious? On top of being incredibly handsome, he’s nice and he’s a fucking saint too.

I keep drilling him trying to find some flaw in him. After “I also coach a youth baseball team at the church on the weekends” I’m fucking done. I stand up grumbling about drinks and walk to the bar. Before I’m too far, I hear her ask if Sam and I will be at the wedding. I try to telepathically tell Sam to say no, but either he’s not listening or he can’t actually read my mind because he says yes.  

When the bartender hands me my whiskey, I turn around to watch her talk to Ryan and Sam. She looks so happy and it kills me because I was the one that used to make her feel that way. I watch them have fun at the table without and I try my hardest to get out of my head. Ryan’s a great guy, but I just don’t like him. And I know it’s because I’m in love with her, but I can’t even pretend to like him. 

I look around and I notice a pretty girl at the end of the bar staring at me. She’s not her, but she would do. I talk to her for a while, but again I can’t get out of my head. She’s all I can think about, but I try not to watch her the whole night. I look over at the table again and this time she’s watching me and she looks pissed. Uh oh. I stand up and tell Sara? Or maybe Clara? That I have to go and that it was nice meeting her and make my way back to the table.

“Hey,” I say interrupting their conversation. “I’m gonna get out of here. It was great seeing you guys.” Ryan says bye and Sam tells me he’ll grab a cab later.

“Have fun with what’s her name,” she calls after me glaring at Carly? Who’s still sitting at the bar. I do a double take because she almost sounds jealous? Fuck, I must have had way more than I thought.

* * *

You and Ryan get back to the house pretty late and you’re ready to pass out. You had entirely too much to drink and laughed way too loud, trying to make the night a little less uncomfortable. You pull off your shirt pants and bra. Putting on one of Ryan’s old band t-shirts, you climb into bed and wait for him to join you. When he crawls under the blankets with you, he pulls you to rest your head against his chest.

“Can I ask you a question?” Ryan says softly against your head.

“You just did,” you sass him. You sit up and smile at him.

“I’m serious.”

“You can ask me anything. You know that.”

“Tell me what happened with you and Dean.” You’re quiet for a while and Ryan starts to panic. “I’m sor-,”

“No, it’s my fault I should have told you the second he came to our door,” you sigh and tell him the story of you and Dean. By the time you finished talking, you expected him to be pissed, but he looked more understanding. Gosh, he truly was perfect. How could you think for one second he could ever hate you? 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he says worrying his bottom lip. “Is it because you don’t trust me?”

“Of course I trust you.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know maybe I was scared. Scared you wouldn’t trust  _me_. Scared that you’d leave me because you’d be insecure maybe. I don’t know it was stupid. It was so fucking stupid I’m sorry.”

“Baby, I trust you and I’m sorry for what ever I did to make you think you couldn’t confide in me.”

You sigh, see perfect. “No this isn’t on you, it’s on me. You’re so great and understanding and my past…” you trail off. “Sometimes I forget. I trust you and I should have remembered that. I’m sorry.”

“You’re forgiven,” he says pulling you close to his chest. He’s quiet for quite some time and you’re half asleep when you hear him speak again. “Do you still love him?” He waits for you to answer and when you don’t he checks to see if you’ve fallen asleep before giving up and drifting off himself. That question keeps you up half the night.


	6. Chapter 6

The line rings and rings and you’re just about ready to hang up when the line clicks and someone answers the phone.

“Hello,” Dean says and you stare at the phone confused.

“Dean?” You’re sure that you called Sam’s phone. “Sorry I thought I called Sam.”

“You did he’s in the shower. I saw it was you and picked up. What’s going on?”

“It’s nothing I was just gonna see if he was busy.”

“Yeah, he’s getting ready for a lunch date.”

“Really?” you say surprised.

“Yep with this girl at the diner ‘round the corner. I was just as shocked as you are,” he replies laughing and the sound makes you smile. You haven’t heard his laugh in a while.

“Damn this sucks.”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing I just…” you hesitate.

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong? You can tell me anything.”

“It’s just my friend Liz was supposed to come with me for my last fitting today. But she got called into work last minute,” you sigh. “So I was gonna ask Sam but now he’s busy too. I need someone to tell me how it looks. I don’t know very many people in this town.”

“I’ll go with you,” he says.

“Are you sure?” you ask him. You thought him going might make him a little uncomfortable. The thought that maybe he might not be uncomfortable because he’s completely over you crosses your mind and it makes your heart hurt. You think back to your conversation with Ryan the other night, but if he’s over things maybe you can get over it too.

“Yeah, it’s no big deal. What time?”

“In like an hour. Sorry, it’s so last minute.”

“No, it’s not a problem. I’ll come pick you up and we can go together.”

“Thanks, Dean. This means a lot to me.”

“Sweetheart, it’s no problem really.”

“It’s just… Thanks,” you say, a small smile on your face.

“I’ll see you in a few.”

When Dean picks you up from your house, Ryan’s at work so that makes things a little less awkward. You grab your purse and hop in his car. The ride there isn’t as bad as you thought it would be. The two of you fall into easy conversation. It’s always been easy with him.

You reach the bridal shop and walk inside telling them who you are and they lead you to the dressing room, Dean trailing behind you.

“Hello. Oh uh, the groom doesn’t usually accompany the bride to fittings,” one of the women say.

“Oh, not the groom. I’m…,” Dean trails off not knowing exactly what to call himself. Are you guys even friends anymore? Acquaintances? Two people that used to fuck like rabbits? Before you started fucking, Dean used to be your best friend, maybe someday you two could get back to that.

“He’s my best friend,” you tell her.

“Ok awesome,” she says awkwardly. “Let’s get you your dress.”

You go into the fitting room, putting on your dress. When you emerge from the dressing room, Dean’s looking down at his phone and you clear your throat getting his attention. It’s almost like a scene in a movie the way he slowly lifts his head to look at you. The look on his face makes you wanna cry, he’s so beautiful. He’s smiling so wide you’re sure his face is gonna split in half. You walk over towards the big mirrors to see yourself, avoiding Dean’s eyes. You can’t handle the way he’s watching you right now.

You keep imagining seeing his smiling face at the altar instead of Ryan’s, so instead, you focus on yourself in the mirror. “What do you think?” you ask him still avoiding his eyes.

“Perfect,” he says sounding dazed.

“Yeah? You think Ryan will like it?” you ask finally looking at him in the mirror and you notice his face fall.

“Yeah, he’s gonna love it. You look beautiful.”

“Thanks.”

“Hey, sweetheart?”

“Yeah?”

“There’s something I gotta t-,” he says before he’s interrupted by one of the seamstresses. After that, there’s a flurry of women around you making sure your dress is absolutely perfect and Dean never gets to finish his sentence.

When you’re all finished, Dean takes you back home. You ask Dean if he wants to come in; Ryan’s still not home, won’t be for a while, so maybe you two can hang out for a little bit.

“You want a beer?” you ask him and he nods. You walk to the kitchen returning with a beer for him. The two of you talk about recent hunts he’s been on and you tell him about how your week at work went. You’ve always loved talking to Dean and you’re so grateful to have him back in your life even if it’s only as a friend.

The two of you have had quite a few beers and you’re only a little buzzed. You can tell Dean is too. He lets his hand linger on yours and his eyes watch your tongue as it pokes out to lick at the beer on your bottom lip. He catches you watching him hungrily and he licks his lips staring back at you.

“I’m gonna go get another beer,” you mumble setting your empty bottle on the coffee table and standing up. You had every intention of going to the kitchen to cool off and come back to tell him to leave, but you make it about halfway there when Dean has your back pressed to the wall.

His hands grip your hips and holds you there as he watches your face waiting for you to tell him to stop. His lips hover over yours and he takes a deep breath in, trying to restrain himself. His thumbs slip your shirt on either side of you and rub at your bare hips. His lips move down your jaw and your neck to your pulse point, still hovering just barely above your skin. His tongue pokes out between his lips grazing your skin slightly and you’re panting above him. He hasn’t even done anything yet and you’re already on edge, you can barely breathe.

“Say the word and I’ll leave,” he pants against your neck. When you don’t immediately respond, his eyes flicker to yours the desperation evident on his face. He begins to move away from you taking a step back and you cling to him. Your hands shoot up to the back of his neck pulling him back to you, his lips hovering above yours again. 

“Kiss me,” you beg him, whispering it desperately against his mouth. His mouth consumes yours in a searing kiss and he presses you back into the wall his hips pressed into yours once more. You gasp into his mouth and he pushes his tongue between your lips his tongue tangling with yours. He pulls his mouth away from yours, trying to catch his breath. 

“Fuck, sweetheart you make me so hard. Always been able to make me so hard at the drop of a hat,” he says pressing his hips against yours. “Fuck baby you feel that? All for you. I missed you so much.” You pull his mouth back to yours as he grinds himself against you.

He picks you up and you wrap your legs around his waist. He pushes his erection against you, pressing the center of your jeans onto your clit. Your head falls back against the wall and you press your hips into his as he presses into you. Your breath hitches as your hips stutter and Dean sucks his bottom lip into his mouth watching you.

“Shit baby you gonna cum? Gonna cum just like this?” he asks and you nod, mouth opened slightly as you pant hard against his lips. Your pussy convulses around nothing as your fingers dig into his shoulders his hips working you through your orgasm. Dean presses firmly against you, his hips stuttering as he cums in his pants, his hands tangled in your hair holding your mouth to his. 

You pant hard trying to catch your breath as he lets you back down onto the floor. He kisses you again, barely able to keep his hands to himself now that he’s had you again.

“Fuck we’re like a couple a’ teenagers,” he laughs as his lips press against your jaw. You laugh with him your heart swelling in your chest.

“We were always like this remember? Couldn’t keep our hands to ourselves. Sam walked in on something every other week,” you say giggling, remembering that time you had Dean tied to a chair in the bunker library once. Sam nearly fell trying to run back up the stairs and out the door.

“Yeah,” he chuckles still holding you close. He pushes a strand of hair out of your eye and presses his forehead against yours. “Sweetheart, there’s something I gotta tell-,” he says before being interrupted by your phone ringing on the couch. You move from the wall to grab it, your knees still weak from your orgasm. When you spot the name on the caller I.D., you glance up at Dean, a guilty look on your face. 

“I’m sorry I gotta get this. It’s Ryan,” you tell him, avoiding his eyes. 

“No, it’s fine. I’ll just wait.”

“Hello,” you say answering the phone.

 _“Hey baby,”_  Ryan says sounding exhausted after working all day and guilt settles low in your stomach.  _“I’m gonna pick up food on the way home. What are you feeling tonight?”_  he asks and you give him the name of your favorite Chinese place farthest from the house so you’ll have time to get Dean out and shower his smell off of you. Fuck, you’re a cheater. What the hell were you thinking?

“You know what I like,” you tell him.

 _“Yeah I do,”_  he replies suggestively which would normally make you giggle, but there’s too much going on in your head right now. 

“Perv,” you say trying to sound as normal as possible. “See you soon.”

 _“Yeah, I love you,”_  he says and your throat closes and you want to cry. What have you done? Your eyes flicker up at Dean and your whole world stops. The guilt consumes you and you look away your eyes glued to the floor.

“I love you too,” you say, but you know it deep in your heart your feelings are shifting and things won’t be the same after this. You say goodbye to your fiance and hang up the phone. When your eyes lock with Dean, you see the unshed tears there and your heart is in your throat. “So Ryan’ll be home soon so I should-”

“Yeah, you should. I gotta go,” he says interrupting you, hitching a thumb over his shoulder towards the door before turning around to leave. 

“Dean, wait,” you say trying to catch up with him.

“See you around sweetheart,” he says walking over the threshold and slamming the door behind him. You flinch, the noise startling you as you stare at the closed door, the tears streaming down your face.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first half is Dean's pov then switches back about halfway through.

I walk quickly to my car slamming the door behind me as I throw it in reverse backing out of her driveway. I need a fucking drink. What have I done? Why did I think having sex with her, even if it was just dry humping, would change things? I still broke her heart and she’s moved on from me. I’m an idiot.

I pull up to the motel and throw the car into park hoping Sam isn’t back from his date. I unlock the door heading inside. When I find the room empty, I head straight for the whiskey bottle hidden in my bag. I pour myself a glass before sitting on the edge of the bed. 

Fuck, what is wrong with me? She’s getting married and I go and pull some shit like that. But I just couldn’t help it. The beers and having her so close again. Seeing her in that dress I just started thinking about how if I hadn’t left that could have been for me. She could have been mine, but I left her and broke her heart and now she’s trying to move on. God, I just started thinking of how maybe someday it could still be me she walks down the aisle towards. I thought maybe if I told her how I felt we could fix things. But I just ended up thinking with my dick instead of my head.

The way she felt, her breast her hips that amazing ass. I started thinking about my dick buried deep inside her and talking had been the last thing on my mind. Her lips against mine, the way she moaned against my mouth. How sexy she looked with her head thrown back as she came. Her nails digging into my shoulder. Fuck, she was so beautiful and the way she begged me to just kiss her as if just my tongue tangled with hers could get her there. Her eyes blown wide with lust as I pressed my dick against her clit. Fuck. The smile on her face as we talked about how things used to be. The guilty look on her face right before she told her fiance that she still loved him after being with me. No matter what I do, she’s still going to love him.

I throw the whiskey bottle as hard as I can against the wall, the realization that I fucked up frustrating me beyond belief. She couldn’t wait to get me out of that house after what I’d done. She loves Ryan and she's’ so much better off without me. I’m only fucking up her life more by staying. How could I be so stupid?

I try to calm down and collect my thoughts and then I realize more than ever what I have to do. This was a mistake, I fucked up. She’s happy with Ryan and he takes care of her better than I ever did. Or ever could. She has everything she should have; a guy who looks at her like she hung the fucking moon and a normal life without monsters. She has the life I could never give her. 

I need to walk away and let her live her happy apple pie life no matter how much I love her. I need to let her be happy even if that’s not with me. She loves him and I’m only getting in the way. I’ve gotta accept that I missed my chance with her and move on.

* * *

That night Ryan comes home with dinner and you try to act as normally as possible. You can tell he’s not buying it; he keeps glancing at you out of the corner of his eye trying to figure out what’s wrong. When you’ve finished eating, Ryan decides to just ask.

“Baby what’s wrong?” he asks worriedly.

“Nothin’. You wanna watch a movie before bed?”

“Baby something’s up. Just talk to me.”

“I swear it’s nothing,” you reply. You hook your leg over his waist setting your ass in his lap. Your hands wrap around his neck placing a chaste kiss on his lips trying to distract him. “Hey, I got a better idea. Let’s skip the movie and you can take me to bed.”

“It’s ok, I won’t force it out of you but just know you can talk when you’re ready,” he tells you. You bury your face in his neck trying not to cry. He was always so understanding and the guilt is eating you alive. You kiss him again, your tongue entering his mouth. He stands with you still in his arms and takes you to bed.

When Ryan collapses beside you, the exhaustion over taking him, you turn over to face the wall. He throws his arm over your waist and tells you he loves you before passing out behind you. You curl into a ball on your side and the tears flow freely. Ryan is such a good man and he’s great for you, but he’s just not what you want. Kissing Ryan after kissing Dean again, it just wasn’t the same.

His kiss didn’t leave you weak like Dean’s does. His touch doesn’t ignite that same fire in the pit of your stomach. Your heart doesn’t beat as wildly for Ryan as it does for Dean. You’ll always love Ryan, just not the same way he loves you. You want this to work, god you had wanted this to work for so long. But Dean will always be it for you. Every decision you make, leads you right back to him every single time. You thought you were done that you were over him, but you don’t think you’ll ever be able to forget him. He’s your soulmate.

He’s the only person you have ever felt this way about. You’d give up everything for Dean. You make the decision right then and there. You need to talk to Dean.


	8. Chapter 8

Your fist hovers over the door. Maybe you should leave. What if he doesn’t want to talk? He did run out on you. You think things over one more time and sigh. Fuck that, if he doesn’t want to talk you’re gonna make him. You knock on the door impatiently. You hear shuffling behind the door and then the door flies open. Dean sees you and pulls the door all the way open without a word letting you walk all the way inside.

“Hey,” you say the second you’re in the room. Turning around to face him, you take a second to really look at him. His eyes are red and puffy like he’s been up all night crying. Fuck. “We need to talk.”

“Yeah we do,” he replies.

“Yesterday was a mistake,” he says at the same time you say, “I love you.”

“What?” you ask him. You must have heard him wrong. Sure he was pissed when he left yesterday, but that was just because of Ryan right? How did he go from giggling with you post orgasm to this?

“Yesterday was a mistake. We got caught up and shit went too far. It shouldn’t have happened you’re getting married.”

“Look, I love Ryan but-,”

“Then you should marry him,” he says interrupting you.

“Will you stop talking and listen to me,” you pause trying to find the right words. “What happened with us. I just haven’t felt that way in a long time. Dean, I love you. Tell me you feel it too. It just felt like old times right? Like how things used to be.”

“Yeah and look what happened then,” he says coldly. “We were a mistake it never should have happened. Not now and not then either.”

You stare at him trying to read him. “You’re lying,” you say hoping to get through to him. You should have seen it the second you opened the door. He’s made up his mind, he always does this; right when you two get somewhere he pulls away.

“Dean, I love you,” you tell him. He looks down at the floor avoiding your eyes. “Dean please tell me you feel it too. Just tell me how you feel and fuck,” you pause tears sliding down your cheeks. “Tell me you want this and I’ll go home and pack a bag and never look back.” He clears his throat and you think he’s going to speak. When he says nothing, you begin to beg him, the tears flowing faster. “Please.”

“Sweetheart, I think you should get married. You’re happy with Ryan,” he says still not looking at you. “This life. Hunting. You don’t deserve to spend the rest of your life like that. Live your apple pie life and forget about me.”

“I don’t want to forget about you.”

“Well, I don’t need you in my life anymore,” he tells you and your heart clenches in your chest. You spot his bag on the bed, clothes folded ready to be packed. 

“You’re skipping town? Fucking typical. Some things never change,” you sigh wiping your eyes. “Why did you even come here?”

“I told you why we came that first day I showed up on your door step.”

“You’re a liar. You could have called any hunter. You could have asked Garth to look that shit over. Why did you come here?”

“For the case. As much as you want to convince yourself I didn’t come here for you.”

“Why are you so fucking afraid to just let people love you? Why do you do this to yourself every time something good happens? Why can’t you just let yourself be happy for once in your sorry life?” you say walking to the door.

“Sweetheart-”

“No. You show up four years later to ask me a favor? Bullshit you came back into my life to give me hope that maybe you changed only to do what you always do. Run when things get tough,” you yell in the silence your words leave behind. You hear the door to the bathroom click open. A petite, beautiful, blonde woman wearing a plaid shirt, way too big for her slender frame, and a pair of boxers timidly emerges from the bathroom. Your jaw clenches and your eyes sting as a new wave of tears cascade down your cheeks.

“Wait, sweetheart,” Dean says blocking your path to the door trying to stop you. 

“Wow and here I thought we were getting somewhere,” you laugh humorlessly. “But you were only thinking of getting your dick wet. I’m an idiot,” you say trying to push past him.

“Can I just say,” the blonde girl says standing awkwardly at the bathroom door.

“Shut up!” you yell silencing her.

“Baby, it’s not like that,” he says.

“No!” you say pushing past him your hand on the doorknob. “I’m not your baby your sweetheart nothing! I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to hear from you ever again! Lose my number because I am done trying to make things work with you.” You throw the door open slamming it behind you. You walk to your car getting in and throwing it into drive. You drive around for hours trying to decide what to do next.

You can’t go home, not yet. What will you tell Ryan? If you tell him the truth, how would he react? He’s been so great until now, but there’s only so much a person could take.

* * *

I stare at the closed door hoping maybe she’d come back. Maybe she’d see reason and try to talk things out. When I snap out of my daze, I throw open the door. Maybe I can stop her. I stare out at the motel parking lot and watch her car speed down the road long gone.

I shut the door turning around and I remember Sam’s girl still standing by the bathroom door looking terrified. I try to explain things as best I can to her, apologizing profusely, hoping I haven’t ruined things for my little brother. She’s still a little shaken up, but mostly understanding. I feel terrible, she wasn’t supposed to get caught in the middle of this.

Last night, Sam had kicked me out of the room for a bit so he could be with Erica and I had slept in the car. When I woke up, I had gone into the room to pack my things when Sam said I could because she was in the shower. I was supposed to be in, out, and checked into my own room before she even finished while Sam went out to get them food. The only reason I opened the door was because I thought it was Sam. I thought he forgot his key or something.

But it was her begging me to love her. I wanted to. Fuck, I really, really wanted to. But I’m not what she needs. One day she’ll realize that. I had to break her heart otherwise she’d never let me go; this is for the best. I have to keep reminding myself or I’ll end up right back on her doorstep ruing her life again. I should have never gone to see her. I only made things worse. She would have spent the rest of her life happy with Ryan if I had just left her alone.

I throw my things onto my bed in my new motel room. I I didn’t mean to hurt her the way I had, maybe I should call her. I pull out my phone and thumb through the contacts coming to her name. My hand hovers over the call button and I stop. This is for the best she’ll be better off without me. I put my phone down and run my hand down my face. It’s better this way. Really.


	9. Chapter 9

My eyes burn as the door to my motel room is opened waking me up out of my drunken sleep. I look up towards to the door to see Sam standing in the doorway, letting in way more light than necessary. Groaning, I shut my eyes and turn over to face the wall, trying to fall back to sleep and ignore Sam. 

“Dean, wake the hell up.” he says slamming the door shut behind him. He moves over to the window letting the sun back into the room. “It smells like something died in here.”

“Sam get out,” I groan covering my head with the pillow. “I’m hung over and I don’t wanna talk about  my feelings so leave.”

“I’m not here to talk about your feelings. I know you’re not going to listen to a damn thing I have to say anyway.”

“Then why the hell are you in my room right now? Shouldn’t you be with your girlfriend?” 

“The weddings tomorrow and we’ve got a room at the hotel where the reception is. Let’s go,” he says pulling the pillow off my head. 

“I’m not going,” I say glaring up at him.

“You do that and she’ll be devastated and you know it,” he sighs. “Look all I know is what Erica told me the rest I pieced together.”

“I fucked up. She doesn’t want me there believe me.”

“Sure she does,” he says with a smile on his face. “She loves you.”

“Not after what happened,” I sigh turning over and avoiding his eyes.

“I’m sure if you talked things out instead of pouting in your motel room she’d still love you.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m worried about,” I mumble. “She needs to get married and be happy. She deserves someone like Ryan. Someone how won’t hurt her like I have.”

“Dean,” Sam tries again but I’m not listening.

“No Sam. I’m not going and that’s final.”

“Ok but when you realize how hurt she’s going to be when she doesn’t see you there text me and I’ll give you the hotel room information,” he says walking back over to the door. “Please, Dean I know you still care about her. You wouldn’t be trying to drink her memory away if you didn’t.”

He closes the door behind him and I bury my face in my pillow. I know I have to do this I know I have to go. I have to see her one last time then I’ll walk away and let her be happy without me.

* * *

You wanted to tell him that day, but then there was a crisis with the flowers for the wedding. You tried to get up enough courage to tell him the next day, but it just didn’t feel right so you waited and waited; suddenly, two weeks had passed and it was the day of the wedding and he still had no idea. You love Ryan and you want to marry him so you wake up alone in your hotel room and get ready for the best day of your life like you’re not a cheating bitch. 

Ryan’s room is on the other side of the hotel because it would be bad luck to see him right now. You walk out into the living room area of your hotel suite answering the door for your best friend so she can help you get ready. What you’re not expecting when you open the door is Sam standing in the hall leaning against the doorway instead of your friend Liz.

“What are you doing here?” you ask.

“I know I just needed to talk to you about some stuff before you get too busy,” he replies and you step aside to let him walk through the door.

“Alright. What’s up?” you say.

“Don’t marry Ryan.”

“What?” you ask, a huff of breath leaving your lips. 

“Ryan’s a nice guy but I just don’t think he’s right for you,” Sam says and you narrow your eyes at him getting pissed.

“And who do you think is ‘right’ for me Sam?” you ask laughing humorlessly.

“Kid you know who,” he says tilting his head to the side and watching you.

“Dean has made it perfectly clear on two separate occasions that he wants absolutely nothing to do with me.”

“He’s a fucking liar and you and I both know that,” Sam tells you. “Look think things over but I’ve seen the way you two used to look at each other back then and believe me kid you both still have that stupid lovesick look in your eyes. It’s disgusting.”

“Then why does he keep pushing me away?” you ask softly, your voice breaking. 

“He’s scared I guess. I don’t think he’s felt this way about very many people so this scares him.”

“I’ll think about it Sam but I don’t know if I can uproot my entire life for someone who might get scared and run whenever shit gets too real for him.”

“He won’t not this time. You and I won’t let him,” he says both of his hands moving to your shoulders forcing you to look at him.

“I don’t-,”

“Think things over. I’ll see you in a few hours? Hopefully not in a big puffy white dress?”

“I’ll see you, Sam,” you tell him rolling your eyes.

“Hey, also please be nice to my girlfriend when you see her later. Last time you kind of scared the shit out of her.”

“What? Your girlfriend. You never introd-,”

“Oh, you met her. She came out of the bathroom when you were yelling at Dean.”

“Holy shit,” you say as your mouth falls open. “I am so fucking sorry.”

“It’s cool. After I talked to her she understood where you were coming from.”

“Oh my god, I’m a terrible person,” you say looking at the floor, your cheeks heating up. 

“Yeah sometimes but we won’t hold those few times against you,” he says winking before opening the door. “See ya. Talk to him please,” he calls before closing the door leaving you in silence with your thoughts.

* * *

Liz shows up a little bit after Sam has left ready to fix you up for your big day. She does your hair and face perfectly then sends you to get your dress on. When you re-emerge, Liz gasps.

“You look beautiful,” she says and you try to smile. You walk over to the full-length mirror. You do look beautiful, but this just doesn’t feel right. You frown at your reflection. “What’s wrong?”

You shrug at Liz. “I don’t know,” you say staring at your reflection, avoiding her eyes.

“Nope some things up. What is it?” she asks trying to read your expression. Her face lights up when she realizes. “This is about Dean isn’t it?”

“Yes. No. Maybe,” you sigh. “I just-,”

“Don’t marry Ryan,” she tells you.

“You know you’re the second person to say that to me today?”

“Well take it as a sign,” she says sighing. “Look I know you love Ryan but I also know that Dean is the love of your life. I saw it the first time I met you two at the Roadhouse. I remember,” she pauses laughing. “You had been at a pool table on the other side of the bar and I thought stupidly that I’d have a shot with the famous Dean Winchester. He was so fucking hot with that stupid sexy smirk on his face. About half way through the conversation I realized his eyes kept flickering behind me watching you. He looked so in love. It blew my mind when you showed up ‘bout two years later crying on my doorstep.”

“Which is exactly why I should marry Ryan,” you say deciding.

“No, it’s not. Dean loves you and I don’t think he would ever hurt you like that for a no reason. You should talk to him,” she says watching you carefully.

“No reason to. I’m getting married. I tried to make things work with Dean over and over but he just doesn’t want this so I’m done trying,” you tell her your decision final. There’s a knock at your door and your stare at the wood confused. You know like literally 6 people and none of them should be knocking on your door right now.

“I’ll get it,” Liz says jumping up from her seat on the couch. She opens the door revealing a confused Dean Winchester.  _What the fuck?_

“I-this is not my room,” he says looking at you a Liz. “I’m sorry Sam said-. Ya know what never mind. I gotta,” he says hitching a thumb over his shoulder.

“Wait,” Liz says loudly and your eyes widen at her. “How about you come in and we can call Sam figure out which room you’re actually in.”

“It’s ok I can just-,” he says seeing the worried look on your face.

“Don’t be silly come on,” Liz says. She pushes him through the door then she bolts out into the hallway.

“Uh, I,” Dean says looking awkwardly at you before turning around to try the door handle. When he realizes it won’t even turn, he runs his hands down his face frustrated. “Open the door,” he yells.

“No, talk!” you hear Sam say from the hallway.

“Seriously Sam knock it off what are you five?” he yells angrily at the door.

“Not letting you out til you talk,” you hear Liz.

Dean turns around facing you. You avoid his eyes, picking at a piece of string on the couch underneath you. “I don’t hear any talking!” says Sam making you roll your eyes.

“What the hell are you even doing here?” you spit angrily.

“You invited me, remember?” Dean says, the room falling silent again.  “Look, I’m sorry about the girl from the other day.”

“I already know it was Sam’s girlfriend,” you say still not looking at him. “Why did you let me think that you slept with her? Was it to further throw it in my face how much you don’t love me anymore? If you ever even loved me to begin with?”

“Baby, don’t say that,” he sighs. 

“Don’t say what? That you don’t love me? Is it not true? Because Dean all you’ve done is prove me right. You don’t love me. All you keep doing is hurting me!” you yell.

“I just wanted you to be happy!” he yells. “I’m sorry.” 

“You thought leaving me would make me happy?”

“I thought you’d be better off without me!” he says. “I thought if I let you go that you’d find someone who made you happy. Someone who wouldn’t almost get you killed every other day. I thought you could get out and have the life you deserve to have.”

“Then why the fuck did you come back and fuck it up?” you say desperately trying to understand him.

“I thought I could do better this time. I thought maybe if you were still single, you’d give me a chance to redeem myself. I thought we could start over, try again, but I fucked it up. You were happy and I fucked it up and I’m sorry. I need to just let you be happy even if it’s without me.”

“I’m not fucking happy without you,” you yell in his face. “God, you’re so fucking stupid. I was never happy without you. I love Ryan but I will never love him like I love you.”

“Really?” he asks a glimmer of hope in his eye.

“Yes really, dumbass,” you say and you’re wrapped up in his arms in an instant his lips pressed against yours.

“Don’t marry Ryan, please?” he says against your lips.

“You know you’re like the third person to say that to me today?” you say pressing your lips harder against his.


	10. Chapter 10

_You pace nervously outside of Ryan’s hotel room. Wringing your hands, you try to find the right words to break up with your fiance on your wedding day. You love Ryan yes, but you don’t love him like you love Dean. That’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to you. You definitely don’t want him living the rest of his life with you feeling like your heart belongs to someone else. You knock on the door waiting for him to answer. When he opens the door and sees you standing there in your wedding dress, his hands shoot up to his face covering his eyes._

_“What the hell are you doing here?” he asks. “I’m not supposed to see you like this.” He gestures up and down at your dress.  
_

_“We need to talk,” you say pushing the door open all the way. _Looking around his room, you thank whatever deity that answered your prayers that he would be alone._  You close the door behind you and grab his wrists pulling his hands down from his eyes.  
_

_“What’s wrong?” he says taking in your face.  
_

_“I slept with Dean a couple weeks ago,”  
_

_“Oh,” he says pulling his hands from your grip.  
_

_“I’m sorry. It just happened and I was going to tell you but then things kept coming up or it never seemed like the right time and… I’m sorry.”  
_

_“Ok, ok. Just-we can get through this we c-can,” he pauses thinking. “We can postpone the wedding. Talk things out we can work through this. This doesn’t have to mean the end of us. We can fix this right?”_

_You sigh shaking your head, “No w-we,” you stop trying to think. “Ryan I love you.”  
_

_“But just not how you love him?” _he asks, but you can tell he already knows the answer._  
_

_You nod the tears welling up in your eyes. “I’m so sorry.”_

_“I know,” he says. “I’m an idiot. I could see the way you looked at him and just after hearing what you two used to be. _Fuck, I guess I should have known._  I just didn’t want to see it.”  
_

_“You’re not an idiot. I’m an idiot. Ryan you’re going to make some girl very happy some day.”_

_“Sucks cause I wanted that girl to be you,” he says as the tears cascade down his cheeks.  
_

_“I know I’m so sorry,” you say wiping the tears from his eyes. _He leans in close, his lips connecting with yours in one final kiss before letting you go forever._  
_

* * *

It’s been a year and a half since your almost wedding. After talking to Ryan about everything, you moved into the bunker with Dean and Sam. The first time you and Dean were together you’d never even seen the bunker. He never took you there because he was scared if he did you’d move in and it’d be real; he’d have to admit how he felt then. He would have to admit how you made him feel.

So you never saw the bunker, only heard things of what Dean had told you. You had hunted with them and stayed at motels with them, but the bunker was off limits to you. When Dean wanted you to come to him, you two had a motel not far from the bunker that you stayed at often.

This time though, Dean wanted you close. He didn’t want you at some crappy motel, he wanted you in his home with him. The bunker became your home and you loved it. Being a hunter from a family of hunters, you never really had a permanent home until you had moved in with Ryan. Even Ryan’s house never truly felt like home. Sure you loved it there with Ryan, but it wasn’t where you were meant to be. But here in the bunker with Dean and Sam, you finally felt at home.

When you moved in, Dean tried giving you your own room thinking maybe you weren’t quite ready to jump back into this. Of course, you moved your stuff into his room insisting that now that you have him back you didn’t even want to be a room away. He tried not to smile too wide at that.

About a week into living at the bunker, Dean had taken you on your first date together to a diner in town. He bought you the best burger, fries, and milkshake you’ve ever tasted in your life, smiling wide when you moaned around your first bite. After that, any chance he could between hunts, he’d take you out treating you like he knew you deserved.

Despite what you thought your first night back with Dean would be like, he didn’t immediately strip you out of your clothes and fuck you like you’d thought he would. He waited for you to give the ok that you wanted this again. He didn’t want to rush things, he wanted to spend time with you. Yes, that included sex eventually, but he didn’t want that to be the only thing you two did, not again. This time he wanted you. All of you.

* * *

Your machete slices through the air killing the last vampire in the abandoned warehouse. His head hits the floor with a thud and you look around the room at the other bodies littering the floor and sigh.

“I am not cleaning this shit up,” you mumble to yourself and wipe the blood off the side of your face onto your sleeve. You hear something metal clatter hitting the floor and you crouch down in a fighting stance braced for whatever enters through the door. When Dean’s head pops out  from around the corner you relax and glare at him. “I almost killed your sorry ass.”

“Yeah right you love me too much to kill me,” he says smiling and coming all the way into the room. “We are clear?”

“Yeah good to go. Now go get your unconscious brother so we can clean up these bodies and go.”

“Or we could just torch the place,” he suggests.

“We could but what if the police show up and find a shit ton of dismembered bodies?” you ask him a small smile on your face.

“Won’t matter by then we’ll be long gone and so will any traces of us being in this stupid warehouse.”

“Ok sounds like a plan let’s do it. Get Sam I’ll get the supplies,” you say before turning to walk away from him to go to the impala. Dean grabs your hand and spins you back towards him before you can get too far and plants a sweet kiss to your lips.

“Have I ever told you how much I love you,” he says against your lips.

“Only everyday,” you say wrapping your arms around his neck.

“I’ve been slacking I thought I was saying it at least twice a day,” he says shaking his head and releasing you.

“Come on let’s do this so I can go get a shower I feel disgusting covered in vamp blood.” You help Dean clean up and set fire to the building and the three of you get the hell out of dodge.

* * *

When you finally enter the motel room you’re crashing at for the night, you announce to Dean that you’re taking the first shower.

“I’m not invited?” he says pouting up at you from where he sits on the edge of the bed.

“No I’m tired and if I let you come too I’ll never get to sleep,” you reply ignoring the puppy dog look as you walk into the bathroom closing the door behind you. When you come out of the shower, he’s stripped down to his boxers waiting for you with his back rested against the headboard. You’ve got on tiny boy shorts and a tank top and he looks at you with a dopey smile on his face.

“What are you staring at nerd?” you say rolling your eyes at him playfully. You know exactly what he’s staring at; you’re not wearing a bra and he loves you in those underwear. You walk over to the bed crawling onto to his lap. 

“You,” he says smirking wrapping his hands around your waist. “You love teasing me don’t you.”

“You know I do,” you reply winking at him and wrapping your arms around his neck pulling his lips to yours.

“I love you, you know that?” he asks against your lips as you roll your hips against his.

“Of course you do I’m amazing,” you say pressing kisses against his jaw and down his neck.

“Marry me?” he says stuttering a little and pushing your hips back so he can look at you.

“What?” you ask your eyes searching his.

“Marry me?” he asks again this time firmer. He leans over onto the floor where his duffel bag is beside the bed. He pops back up holding a velvet box in his hands and that’s when you start to cry. “No wait don’t cry why are you crying?”

“Because I’m happy idiot.” you say pulling his lips to yours. When you pull away, he opens the box revealing the perfect diamond to you.

“Are you going to answer me?” he says still waiting for an answer as you cry some more.

“Yes yes yes,” you say nodding frantically.

“Yes you’re going to answer me or yes you’ll marry me?” he asks teasing you.

“The second one,” you say crying harder and smacking his chest playfully.

“Stop crying,” he says kissing you again.

“Can’t,” you say wiping your face. He closes the box.

“Not giving it to you until you knock it off,” he says smiling at you.

“Ok ok,” you say composing yourself. He pulls the ring out of the box and slides it onto your finger. You pull him into another kiss. “I love you so much.”

“Of course you do I’m amazing,” he says kissing you again and you shove his shoulder playfully. “I love you too,” he says smiling against your lips. You were getting married to the man of your dreams and you have never been happier in your life. You stare lovingly at this man you have made your home and sigh happily. It took you both a while to get here, but you made it and there’s no where else you’d rather be than right here with Dean. No other life you’d rather have than the one you’re starting with this beautiful man in front of you.


End file.
